I occasionally take a prescription muscle relaxer for the chronic pain in my neck. There is a warning label on the bottle, “MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.” In my experience, that warning label does not offer sufficient “warning.” The label SHOULD read:
- This medication will kick your butt. Seriously, do not make plans for the next 48 hours. Inform all friends and relatives that you will be out of communication for a while so they don’t file a missing person report. Consider having the post office hold your mail.
- Log out of all social media accounts before taking this medication. You won’t remember your passwords and you should under no circumstances tweet while under the influence of this medication.
- Do not take this medication while standing. Go ahead and get in bed and get comfortable before you even open the bottle. Wherever you take this medication is where you will stay for a while, so plan accordingly.
- Don’t drink more than an ounce of water when you take this medication because you may wet the bed. Do not assume you will be able to walk to the bathroom. Don’t even assume the urge to urinate will be strong enough to rouse you from your semi-vegetative state.
- Do not be alarmed if your hair and nails are considerably longer when you wake up, you learn there is a new president of the United States, or if you see flying cars. Life went on without you. Deal with it.
- Remember that Indiana property taxes are due in May and November — pay all bills before taking this medication or appoint a power of attorney.
- Short term memory may be affected, so write down anything that you need to remember that happened within 12 hours prior to taking the medication. You may also want to write the names of your immediate family members on the palm of your hand to avoid uncomfortable and hurtful situations.
- Make your spouse sign a non-disclosure agreement, prohibiting him or her from recording anything you say or do while under the influence of this medication.
- This medication may diminish your inhibitions, making you prone to suggestion. Remove all stored credit card information from Amazon and Farmville.
- Do not mix with alcohol, marijuana, or LSD. The effects are redundant and it’s wasteful.